That first year helped me out a lot. I still had up and down days, but I continued therapy and my Dr. kept working with my meds. Andy's first grade teacher had suspected he had aspergers in first grade, but the psychologist disagreed, so that was that at least for a while.
One day I got called about a paper he wrote with sentences for Spelling. Despite the disclaimer on the top that "none of these are true except for 2 and 8" they felt that the rest were a cause for concern. They were about killing and dying, which he still told me were not true and he sure didn't seem depressed, but I had to take him to the archdiocese mental health center.
After a confirmed diagnosis of Aspergers and ADHD, he began play therapy and learned how to lose gracefully etc. The spelling sentences as he said were of no concern. The kids at school were great with him. His logical mind said that since goalie was the only position in soccar he was good at, it would be counterproductive for him to "take turns" and play other positions. They went along with this like it was standard practice.
His odd behaviors were never made fun of and the teachers helped make sure he had all of his materials and assignments before he left for the day. At times he would ask me to give "my talk" explaining Aspergers to the class. I never got any resistance from the teachers. We even got a book to use. Yes he had an occasional melt down, but they developed ways to help him get through them quickly.
Katie was also given the same diagnosis as was I. It explained a lot to me. She was now in first Grade with the teacher who suspected the syndrome in both kids and she took it all in stride. In any other class Katie would be seen as a smart mouth brat, especially when she corrected the teachers mistakes. She always felt she was doing them a service for which this teacher thanked her. Her corrections were seldom if ever wrong. Her need to move and fidget were incorporated into her daily routine with no formal plan needed. Her teacher saw what she needed and provided for it. This is not to say, she got away with misbehaving. She got more than her share of demerits and even had detention once. Her learning needs though were taken into account as long as they were necessary for her enrichment.
At the beginning of the year, I asked to continue volunteering. I was met with just a bit of resistance. It had to be OK'd with the principal first. Had my classes been the subject of some concern? She did OK it, but in retrospect, I think she hoped I hadn't asked. She was not good with confrontations and would have agreed just to avoid one. There was no introduction at the parents meeting this year though.
Monday, January 17, 2005
Friday, December 31, 2004
Planning Change
When I was in Grade school the baby boom was in full force. We had 3 classes for each grade. There were a little less than 100 kids in my 8th grade graduating class and over 1000 when I started High school.
Now the enrollment was at a critical low. The largest class had 27 kids, the average was 15. By this time, the full time computer teacher had been cut as had the librarian and art teacher. The principal was made to teach computer class. A job she resented and many times passed of to me and other subs. There was talk of schools closing and the rumors were flying. Finally we got the disturbing news. Our school would close and would be combined with another larger school down the road.
After the decision was made to consolidate, various committees were formed. My husband was on the main committee, so I heard the news as it happened. Meanwhile at school, I continued to teach only now I was substituting more and more because now the principal was deeply involved in the consolidation plans. She seemed extremely appreciative, sometimes calling me at the last minute to come up when she had a meeting to attend. The computers of course were a year older and breaking down more frequently. Since they would soon be discarded and not replaced, we tried to keep them running as best we could. It was a busy year. I felt busy but needed. The previous year, I had to back out of class several times when the panic hit or I was too depressed to get out of bed, but not this year. My work was good for me.
Meanwhile on the playground, the parents were speculating wildly about the shape of things to come and bemoaning the lack of information that was coming from the committees. There was little I could tell them, not knowing what was confidential or not, but I could understand their fears. We were receiving notes sporadically but there was no mechanism to ask questions, at least none that we knew of.
The church bulletins were not much help and the church’s websites had no information. The consolidation letters, which sometimes didn’t make it home were not online on our site and the other schools site was not functional. They were posted at school, but the school closed at dismissal time and a lot of people didn’t know they were there.
When I suggested making a web site that wasn’t a part of either school and devoted to the consolidation and the new school, my husband was interested. He took a prototype to a meeting and I was given the go ahead to continue. I felt a real part of the community and began to see my old self again. I told my ediets friends and my doctor that I hadn't felt this good in my life. No one said anything about me being manic and I am not sure to this day if I was or not. I just felt good.
I purchased web space, a pdf writer and a few other tools at my own expense and went to work. My goal was to create something unique that would not look like either site and thus not alienate either school. There were enough bad feelings now. I had a spot for the newsletters which were online by noon the day the schools received them. There was a page for parents to ask questions anonymously if they chose, and one for kids to do the same. They kids questions even came to my son’s box, so they would feel safe, since they would know they weren’t going to be identified by either principal. There was a page identifying the new uniform plaid, and other news as it came out. The prototype even showed a page listing a picture and short bio of each teacher as they were hired, so the students would feel more comfortable, starting a new school. All of this was reviewed by the committee and approved. I even received copies of emails complimenting my efforts It was nice to be able to contribute a skill I had. Our pastor had always asked for our time talents and treasures. Now I had something to give. A notice was placed in the consolidation notes notifying parents of the location of the site and the site had it’s debut. We were rolling.
I know now that what I wanted to provide was things that Aspies need to feel comfortable. Whether others need such things I do not know. I was convinced I was fulfilling a need and felt great about it. I may not be able to clean my house or even shower some mornings but I could work on this site all day long and sometimes did. It became my identity.
Now the enrollment was at a critical low. The largest class had 27 kids, the average was 15. By this time, the full time computer teacher had been cut as had the librarian and art teacher. The principal was made to teach computer class. A job she resented and many times passed of to me and other subs. There was talk of schools closing and the rumors were flying. Finally we got the disturbing news. Our school would close and would be combined with another larger school down the road.
After the decision was made to consolidate, various committees were formed. My husband was on the main committee, so I heard the news as it happened. Meanwhile at school, I continued to teach only now I was substituting more and more because now the principal was deeply involved in the consolidation plans. She seemed extremely appreciative, sometimes calling me at the last minute to come up when she had a meeting to attend. The computers of course were a year older and breaking down more frequently. Since they would soon be discarded and not replaced, we tried to keep them running as best we could. It was a busy year. I felt busy but needed. The previous year, I had to back out of class several times when the panic hit or I was too depressed to get out of bed, but not this year. My work was good for me.
Meanwhile on the playground, the parents were speculating wildly about the shape of things to come and bemoaning the lack of information that was coming from the committees. There was little I could tell them, not knowing what was confidential or not, but I could understand their fears. We were receiving notes sporadically but there was no mechanism to ask questions, at least none that we knew of.
The church bulletins were not much help and the church’s websites had no information. The consolidation letters, which sometimes didn’t make it home were not online on our site and the other schools site was not functional. They were posted at school, but the school closed at dismissal time and a lot of people didn’t know they were there.
When I suggested making a web site that wasn’t a part of either school and devoted to the consolidation and the new school, my husband was interested. He took a prototype to a meeting and I was given the go ahead to continue. I felt a real part of the community and began to see my old self again. I told my ediets friends and my doctor that I hadn't felt this good in my life. No one said anything about me being manic and I am not sure to this day if I was or not. I just felt good.
I purchased web space, a pdf writer and a few other tools at my own expense and went to work. My goal was to create something unique that would not look like either site and thus not alienate either school. There were enough bad feelings now. I had a spot for the newsletters which were online by noon the day the schools received them. There was a page for parents to ask questions anonymously if they chose, and one for kids to do the same. They kids questions even came to my son’s box, so they would feel safe, since they would know they weren’t going to be identified by either principal. There was a page identifying the new uniform plaid, and other news as it came out. The prototype even showed a page listing a picture and short bio of each teacher as they were hired, so the students would feel more comfortable, starting a new school. All of this was reviewed by the committee and approved. I even received copies of emails complimenting my efforts It was nice to be able to contribute a skill I had. Our pastor had always asked for our time talents and treasures. Now I had something to give. A notice was placed in the consolidation notes notifying parents of the location of the site and the site had it’s debut. We were rolling.
I know now that what I wanted to provide was things that Aspies need to feel comfortable. Whether others need such things I do not know. I was convinced I was fulfilling a need and felt great about it. I may not be able to clean my house or even shower some mornings but I could work on this site all day long and sometimes did. It became my identity.
Monday, September 6, 2004
School Mom
Through this my e-diets internet friends were wonderful, they let me vent and cry, but they were concerned. Where was the Bouncy Tiggerr, they knew. Some didn't understand what I had to be depressed about. I had great kids, a wonderful husband with a good job etc etc etc. I was told over and over to just "snap out of it". I had managed to lose over 30 pounds before Mom died and now I had gained 40. Of course not all was due to the anti depressants, but the 10 pounds I gained in one week was. What a circle. you are depressed so you eat, you get fat and get more depressed. I felt like a failure. Where did I go. I truly didn't recognize myself.
Being a Stay at home Mom again, I began devoting my self to the kids school. My youngest had started full time school so I was free all day. The kids laughed at my jokes. They even beleived me when I told them I was 94 years old
I started volunteering to teach computer to the 1st and Kindergarten classes to give them the extra time. It was great. My daughter’s class was in Kindergarten and my son’s favorite teacher was the first grade teacher. I grew especially close to the kindergarten teacher.
I really felt good, especially at the first parents meeting when the principal introduced me when she introduced the rest of the teachers. I met more of the other parents and soon started having more good days than bad.
Being a Stay at home Mom again, I began devoting my self to the kids school. My youngest had started full time school so I was free all day. The kids laughed at my jokes. They even beleived me when I told them I was 94 years old
I started volunteering to teach computer to the 1st and Kindergarten classes to give them the extra time. It was great. My daughter’s class was in Kindergarten and my son’s favorite teacher was the first grade teacher. I grew especially close to the kindergarten teacher.
I really felt good, especially at the first parents meeting when the principal introduced me when she introduced the rest of the teachers. I met more of the other parents and soon started having more good days than bad.
Tuesday, November 5, 2002
My decent into Hell
All during Mom's hospitalization, I was the strong one. I was the one holding dad's hand and translating, doctor speak. My brother's were very uncomfortable with all of this and after all I had been a nurse. My husband and I handled the bulk of the funeral arrangements and the wake was held at our house. I was the rock. Of course I was on xanax too. Sure I cried, but mostly I was mad, at mom for dying and at the doctors for their arrogance and myself for making all the wrong decisions.
in the coming months, I slowly stopped doing my normal activities of daily living. I was staying at home with my kids, so work wasn’t an influence and I was still communicating with my internet friends. In fact that’s about all I did. I was on my computer all the time. By March or April, I was about as down as you can get. I had my famous crying jag one day in April 2002, while my husband was out of town. From a thousand miles away, he tried to help me through the maze that was our mental health insurance. What a joke. If you aren’t suicidal when you start, you will be as you negotiate that process. Either the doctors they give you (and they only give you 5 at a time to call) are not taking new patients, are no longer on the plan, or in one case, was a pediatric shrink.
Finally I convinced the caseworker to give me the link with the list, so I could stop calling him back every three minutes for more names. I finally found a shrink who could see me in a couple weeks and a therapist (who answered her own phone) who could see me in the mean time. Crisis postponed.
I was diagnosed with major depression, given medication and started therapy. A month or 2 later I was offered a job at a local hospital. Just as my therapist was going to discharge me, I showed my manic side. I was so excited. Here was a job seemingly suited for me. I was “bouncing off the walls” Deciding that my diagnosis should be changed to Bipolar II and then later adding ADHD, my medication was changed several times trying to find the right combination. Meanwhile therapy continued.
My non stop mouth managed to alienate my boss once again, so I changed jobs, Within 6 months I was losing it Some of the many medication changes were bringing out psychotic symptoms. I felt I was really going crazy, Then when my boss decided that I should come in and do a different job, the change in routine sent me into a panic. (an Aspergers meltdown?) We decided I should resign as a per diem staff member and I filed for disability. I must have been really bad. I am told that "everybody” gets turned down the first time. Not me. I was approved almost immediately.
It was May 31, 2003
in the coming months, I slowly stopped doing my normal activities of daily living. I was staying at home with my kids, so work wasn’t an influence and I was still communicating with my internet friends. In fact that’s about all I did. I was on my computer all the time. By March or April, I was about as down as you can get. I had my famous crying jag one day in April 2002, while my husband was out of town. From a thousand miles away, he tried to help me through the maze that was our mental health insurance. What a joke. If you aren’t suicidal when you start, you will be as you negotiate that process. Either the doctors they give you (and they only give you 5 at a time to call) are not taking new patients, are no longer on the plan, or in one case, was a pediatric shrink.
Finally I convinced the caseworker to give me the link with the list, so I could stop calling him back every three minutes for more names. I finally found a shrink who could see me in a couple weeks and a therapist (who answered her own phone) who could see me in the mean time. Crisis postponed.
I was diagnosed with major depression, given medication and started therapy. A month or 2 later I was offered a job at a local hospital. Just as my therapist was going to discharge me, I showed my manic side. I was so excited. Here was a job seemingly suited for me. I was “bouncing off the walls” Deciding that my diagnosis should be changed to Bipolar II and then later adding ADHD, my medication was changed several times trying to find the right combination. Meanwhile therapy continued.
My non stop mouth managed to alienate my boss once again, so I changed jobs, Within 6 months I was losing it Some of the many medication changes were bringing out psychotic symptoms. I felt I was really going crazy, Then when my boss decided that I should come in and do a different job, the change in routine sent me into a panic. (an Aspergers meltdown?) We decided I should resign as a per diem staff member and I filed for disability. I must have been really bad. I am told that "everybody” gets turned down the first time. Not me. I was approved almost immediately.
It was May 31, 2003
Sunday, January 20, 2002
How it all began
I think it all kind of kicked off the day my mom died. She had only been “ sick” since November when they discovered a tumor in her lungs and decided to operate. We didn’t know of a hidden heart problem, or just how weak her lungs were. What role the doctors and hospital played, is unknown. I am convinced to this day that their ineptitude killed her. Whether she should have forgone surgery for chemo, is an option we didn’t think about. All we knew was that there was an invader in her system and we wanted it out. She was strong and a fighter.
After tests that kept her in for about a week, she came home for one last weekend as her regular self. She was admitted for surgery December 3 2001 and we were assured she’d be home by Christmas.
The surgery was fine, but her heart didn’t behave, so she was in ICU longer than expected. while she was on the regular floor she did well but then looked kind of icky. That night she had a heart attack and was back in CCU. for the rest of the year.
We brought her home too early on New Years Eve, only to have to take her back a week later with Pneumonia. On Jan 12 2002 she died. She was 69.
After tests that kept her in for about a week, she came home for one last weekend as her regular self. She was admitted for surgery December 3 2001 and we were assured she’d be home by Christmas.
The surgery was fine, but her heart didn’t behave, so she was in ICU longer than expected. while she was on the regular floor she did well but then looked kind of icky. That night she had a heart attack and was back in CCU. for the rest of the year.
We brought her home too early on New Years Eve, only to have to take her back a week later with Pneumonia. On Jan 12 2002 she died. She was 69.
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