Hair

I got a compliment the other day. Someone I admire, told me that she liked my hair this length. I normally keep my hair quite short, which I am sure makes some NTs (non Aspies) think, Why does she do that? My monster-in-law used to think that telling me I looked like a boy was an appropriate comment.

How do you tell someone that you like the way your hair LOOKS too, but you can't stand how it feels?

I don't mean you just don't like the way it feels, I mean you really can't stand it. Right now, the hair at the back of my neck is one inch long (I measured it). Last night as I struggled to get to sleep, I constantly tried to fold it up off my neck. Since it is too short for a pony tail, I don't even have that option. I tried growing it long enough for a pony tail, but not only does a pony tail look ridiculous for someone my age, but sleeping with a pony tail is quite impossible. Then of course there's those few tiny wisps of hair that come loose and fall back on the neck. It makes me shiver just to think about it

I keep my hair clean but it always feels like tiny livestock have taken up residence on my head. Trust me they haven't. My family and my doctor are getting tired of checking my head for these unwelcome guests.

Sometimes when the creepy crawlies aren't so bad, usually in the summer when I can keep my head in the pool, I am able to grow my hair just long enough for it to curl. Boy do the compliments come then. Back in high school, I had long hair. Everybody did, even the guys. That naturally curl once prompted my dad to tell me I looked like a Cocker Spaniel. He was drunk, I cried, but he was right. We called them dog ears then, when we pulled our hair to each side and tied it off with a rubber band. Mine curled just like a cocker's ears. (Don't think too badly of my dad, he joined AA and had been sober 23 years when he died earlier this year.)

You'd think the compliments would be enough for me to put up with the discomfort of long hair on my neck. After all women for years have made themselves uncomfortable in order to look good: Corsets, girdles, bras, pantyhose, pointy spike heels, fake nails (tried those a couple times. I swear those girls love to make my cuticles bleed)

Maybe I can put it in perspective: Warning: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
Have you ever heard the sound of fingernails on a blackboard. Yeah -- That sound. Now imagine it never stopping. You can't grab the kid doing it and tie his arms up with duck tape, You can't hit the mute button like I do when I watch "From the Hip". All you can do is stick your head in a bucket of water or cut your hair.
So I cut my hair----short. And I look silly. And I wear a hat.. And I don't ask my friend if she likes my hair because she promised not to lie to me, she just doesn't answer.

When my dad came out of the hospital after drying out, people would come up to him and tell him how great he looked. He would wonder how bad he looked before. I think I get my Aspergers from him. When someone who sees me all the time tells me that my hair looks great at this length, I can only conclude that it didn't look as good before. Of course NT's deny that, but what can you say......

Computer update

The new Dell came today. I will admit Vista is pretty. Hey wait, it looks a lot like my mac. hmmmm.
So that makes it one month to the day from my first contact with dell. But there is something to be said about all this:

The first time this happened I had a 40 gb hard drive and 512mg of sheep.... errr.. RAM
When they exchanged that one, the second one, (the one I just told you all about) had a 80 gb hard drive and 1 gb RAM

The New Vista one has 320 gb hard drive and 2 gb RAM Heck the new keyboard and mouse look better and I got a snazzy new mouse pad.
Well at least my son is enjoying it. I'm back on my Mac.

It's a Girl

Well we sorta knew that.  But it's official.  My daughter had a girl last night.  Well actually early this morning.  The baby's name is Iris Michaela.   Isn't that a pretty name.  When she told grandpa the Michaela was after him, well Mr. Mike just couldn't contain himself.  Mom, baby and dad are doing fine.  Ivy spent the night with some friends, so all is well

I really hate Windows

Microsoft Windows that is.

I swear somebody there hates me.  Just kidding.  But my most recent deallings with windows and Dell has driven that point home this month.

Go back to July 2008  Goofy computer didn't want to start up.  Actually Windows didn't want to load.  It would load if it was cool i.e. left off for an hour or so.  But if it needed a hard reboot or even just to be restarted, forget it.  During this time, it usually had to be shut down by holding the power button for 10 seconds or so.  It got to the point that it wouldn't even start in safe mode.  So I got out my trusty Lapple-apple as Katie calls my ibook, and went on Dell's chat support   ** Note to Dell users: If possible use chat instead of phoning them.  You get a print out as proof of what you went through and you don't have to deal with accents**  No one there could figure out what the problem was, so as usual the suggested fix was to re-install Windows.  I have done this so many times, I could do it in my sleep.  After the re-install, I only loaded the bare essentials (Windows programs that I absolutely needed) and then was forced to learn to use this trusty I-mac.

The system was never very stable but since I wasn't using it, my kids had to deal with it.  The Blue screens happens to Andy most but I figured it was because of his new game.  After a while, they couldn't take it any longer and started to copy down all those letters and numbers on the stop error screens.

Fast forward to Oct 14th Called Dell this time.  We did so many diagnostic programs, repeating ones I had already done and a few more that I didn't know were on the Dell resource disc.  They all passed.  It's not hardware, they said. Must be software.  I was told to remove as many programs as I could, clean up the disc, defrag, run ckdisk etc. and then run the tests again.  Nope didn't work 

To chat this time.  Ok It must be service pack 3.  From what I heard and read, this made sense.  Take it off.  Well that's easier to say than to do.  Lets just say, it's impossible.

Back to chat:  we'll try reinstalling windows.  That should take it off.    Did that. Reinstalled the drivers and updated them.  Still didn't work.

Back to chat.  This time reinstall windows but instead of updating the drivers, just put on the new ones.  Huh?  ok fine.   Nope.

Now with each "fix"  the problem is actually getting worse.  BSOD s are more frequent and the display is just wonky.

Back to chat with a real piece of work.  She was something this one.  She kept saying that this wasn't a hardware problem and to send a tech out wasn't going to help, and it was software related.  It didn't  matter how often  we told her that there was no software installed, she kept saying, it was software.  She finally said she could send out a hard drive if that is what we wanted.  Of course that means another reinstall of windows, which they call a OSR.  Nope didn't work.

Back to chat: now they decide to send out mother board  Nope

Back to chat  Lets try a new motherboard and some new memory sticks  Nope

Back to chat:  Ah! Now they decide that they should try all three at once because that of course will make all the difference and of course another OSR.

Poor Dwight. (the tech who had to come out for all these installs)  He even tried to get Dell to send out a new power supply, No they said, just try those last three parts.  If they didn't work, they'd consider a system exchange, which is what I asked for about mid-way into this nonsense

Today is November 11th. So a new computer is coming out, this one with that POS Vista.  Not for long.  the warranty ends in April  Linux  here we come.

Oh did I mention that this current unit was part of a system exchange for the original unit.  They put 3 motherboards in that one too, even though I kept suggesting that it might be the power supply (I'm not that smart, I researched it with my geek friends on line)

School problems never end

Once again, I have had problems getting the educational system to understand that Aspergers is truly a disability. Heck, that it actually exists, but that it isn't the end of the world and that we all have very special gifts.

Our first dealings were with a charter school with a self important blowhard of a principle who didn't like anyone to question him. He was more interested in being right than in what was best for the kids. Sounds like some of my in laws. After leaving there, (not our choice, but he said it was), we were lucky enough to find Kaplan Virtual Education.

The kids actually do go to school 2-3 days a week, but work at their own pace (within guidelines) in front of a computer. The other 2-3 days they work from home. I think it teaches them to be responsible. The school is "open" year round but has regularly defined semesters. The summer part is for kids who get behind or I guess who want to take more courses.

We were worried about socialization at first, but since all the kids in his "school" ride the same bus home, they interact there, at lunch and at some regular class room situations. They have a suite of rooms within a regular public magnet school, so they can attend social functions with the magnet school kids.

Some of these kids have been home schooled so they are at a different level than kids their own age. This is also available for kids who want classes that the regular public schools can't offer, or who just don't do well in a typical classroom. Like mine. He has a problem with kids who don't want to learn as much as he does. It annoys and distracts him when the kids disrupt the class, even with normal kids stuff. He's doing quite well and is very motivated.

Learn something new everyday

A roller coaster month

June 2008 has been a real roller coaster.  It started out great if you figure in the last 2 days of May.  My son Andy graduated from 8th grade as valedictorian so my daughter and granddaughter were in town.

The following weekend I get a call from St. John's Hospital.  Probably a recruiter, No I don't want to apply for your RN position.   Oh?  Not that, It's the ER nurse wanting to know if I am Robert's sister, he's been in an accident and want's me to come up.  What?  First of all where's his wife?  Second, why does he want me?  Is he going to be OK.  Sure, he just broke his leg.  OKkkkkkk.

As we walk through ICU, I see what looks like my dad in the bed in room 9.  What the heck is going on?  Well it turns out it was my dad and his friend Fred  who were in the accident.  Other than the fact that he didn't remember breaking this same hip 8 years ago he seemed OK for a 76 year old man.  Well that is except for the oxygen mask on his face.

Turned out he had massive blunt trauma to the chest, couldn't get enough of a breath to get enough oxygen and some pretty bad, previously unknown vascular disease.  He never made it to surgery for his hip repair and died 3 days later.  So did Fred.

Of course this brought all my family home again, including my brother from CA, my son & daughter in law (to be) from FLA and my daughter and grand daughter from Phoenix.  It was nice to see all of us together.   Only Nick, my son-in-law and my sister-in law and niece from CA weren't there

Fast forward 2 weeks and it's down to Florida for my son's wedding.  This time Nick was there but of course Dad wasn't.  At least not in person.  It was a great time, a great wedding and I have the best daughter-in-law in the world -- she's a lot like me :)

See what I mean.  Up and down and up again.  That's my life I guess.

At least this time though, it's a bit easier knowing Dad & Mom are together again.  Did I ever tell you that after she died, she regularly visited both me and my dad.  No we weren't seeing things.  But when he would need something or would break something, somehow, he'd be able to find it or one of the many replacements my mom had around.  The toaster broke one day, and he swore he didn't know why but he opened a door, he rarely opened and there was the toaster they had received as a wedding present 50 plus years ago.  She still had the dang thing.  The only thing different was a new plug my oldest brother put on it when we all still lived at home.  Now, tell me Mom wasn't there guiding him along!  

There were other similar occasions and he would then call me and say, "your Mother's been here again".  Sometimes I could tell him that she'd been at my side too.  I could hear her yelling at me for thinking something or doing something, and I'd have to say, OK OK Mom I hear you. Now get off my back.

It's quiet here now.  It's been quiet since about a week before the accident.  I guess he's bugging her now. 

 I can hear it now  "Shoot a beer, Dot"

All in one

Ok it's done. I hope.

All my other posts are here in chronological order. The dates aren't in real time, especially for the ones about the school nightmare in 2005. Luckily I was able to back date them so to speak so they are dated at the approximate time they happened. I went on a writing spree then, trying out I web on my new Apple-lapple as Katie calls my i-book. Once started I couldn't stop. The story isn't complete, but it helped at the time.

I hope to write more often, since I think of things all the time and they run around in my head. Don't you wish you had a penseive like Dumbledore has. (that's a Harry Potter reference)

Yikes it's past my bed time. Luckily I have had my jammies on since I slipped on my butt and got all wet
Nighty night

hello again

Well I was right. I forgot about this thing. I came to blogspot to look for my kids blog and what do you know here it is.

I have a lot of things I've written here and there and rather than keep them on the wordpress blog my web host gives me I am going to move them here. What the heck let someone else manage the back end.

The things I've written are ramblings that I wrote about as a sort of therapy, during a tough time in my life. They may sound like whining, but most of it is really great frustration in understanding the people out there in the neurotypical world.

Many times, when someone says "I can't/won't because of xyz "and I come up with a remedy for xyz, then a different reason is given. With the logical literal thinking that some people with Aspergers have (including me), we don't pick up on the real reason, someone can't /won't do something is just that they really don't want to. (one of those Just Because things). Personally I wish they'd say Just Because! I may not like it and ask why a few times, but it would save a lot of headache for both of us. Anyway, you'll see what I mean

So give me a little time and I'll move them over. In the meantime head on over to http://www.bouncingoffthewall.com and have some fun.

ttfn

Tiggerr

Being Smart is no Picnic

I hate being smart. It’s not fun and makes life lonely as hell.

When I was a kid in both grade school and High School I got good grades. Very very good grades. My parents didn’t believe in skipping grades so I stayed in the grade appropriate for my age. I was never bored, because I am a sponge. Anything I can learn, I learn.

I remember in first grade I was sent to the university for testing. I was told that the nun doing the testing was learning how to do this so they picked me to help. I was also told that since my big brother was so much smarter than I was (not true, but I didn’t know that), they wanted to test me to see why I was learning and he wasn’t .

I didn’t find out until much later in high school that I tested out with an IQ of 165. Big deal.

I also remember starting high school vowing that if someone asked what grade I got on a paper, I would always answer “B”. I don’t exactly remember the exact event that lead to that decision, but it must have been bad enough for me to block it out .

One of the things I find most annoying is that while I was inside studying my tail off, the other kids were out playing ball, having fun, being in the girl/boy scouts etc. Then at test time, as long as they managed to pass, they were congratulated, praised, rewarded etc. I don’t want to deny them any of that, but A’s were expected of me and when I aced a test, it was barely acknowledged.

Junior Year in High school, I came home with 3 A’s and 2 H’s (honors course work worth 5 grade points) but there was also a pesky B in PE. I was proud of that report card, but the grin got slapped off my face really fast with a “What’s this B doing here?” Not a word was said about the rest of the grades, just that %$##@ B.

I have been told that I intimidate people. I certainly don’t try and until recently, I didn’t understand how I did it. Someone was kind enough to explain it. She said that I seemed so confident and sure of myself. Excuse me! Yes I know a lot and yes I can do a lot of things and love to help out by sharing what I have been blessed with. Apparently this intimidates people.

So this “gift?” that everyone says they wish they had, makes me like a pariah. I don’t know if it’s Jealousy, annoyance, a fear of looking stupid, or the desire to be the knight in shining armor by making sure I don’t get near their white horse, but after a few years, or less, I stopped getting asked to help out, or our conversations get one sided. When I try to find out what’s wrong, or what I’ve done, I get the run around. No I’m not being paranoid because eventually it comes out. They all say the same thing. It’s not me, it’s them. huh?
Even my therapist didn’t quite get it. She kept saying that annoying line “it’s not personal.” What the heck does that mean. Yes it was personal. This wasn’t happening to everyone, just me. (not in the whole world, mind you, just my own little part of it)

Last year a bunch of us were in the teacher’s lounge, on teacher appreciation day, cleaning up. One of the moms was asking everybody who came into the room to run for school board. Everybody except me. It was glaringly obvious. She continued to try to recruit parents outside as we waited for our kids to be dismissed from school. I guess I was trying to save face or something, because I said that I was probably the wrong person for the job. She totally blindsided me with her next comment. ” No offense but you’re right!” I couldn’t think of anything to say and of course no one else corrected her.

So here I am with this astronomical IQ and I’m told I’m not suitable to be on the school board of a school with less than 170 kids. I don’t correct people when they are wrong. I don’t brag about what I can do. I only mention that I can do something if there is a need for that skill. Sometimes it’s just something that I have time to do since I’m a stay at home mom. I even ask people about their interests, even if I am proficient at that same interest in hopes that they can feel good about their specialty. Is that bad? No one will tell me. What do I do to be less intimidating, when I didn’t know I was?

I was asked once if there was on thing I could change about myself, what would it be. I wish I could be average. My husband says I have a big heart. I don’t want an over sized heart or brain. I want average sized organs, because what I have isn’t working.

OK… Rant over. ....... for now :-)

Court Decision

While surfing around I found a web page that decided for the parents ( a rarity I am told) in the quest for a free appropriate education in the least restrictive environment that is guaranteed by federal law in the US for all kids with disabilities. This happened in my own state and home town of St. Louis, MO Here is the link

http://dese.mo.gov/divspeced/Complaint_System/DPDecisionsFile/DP990022SSD.htm

The schools listed Parkway and Henry are free public schools

Apprende is a private school with extremely reasonable tuition (less than $100/week in 2008.

Metropolitan is a specialized special ed school for kids with aspergers, Bipolar ADHD etc and has what I consider an exorbitant tuition for this area of 19,000 and as of this year few opportunities for financial aid. I’ve either looked into it my self or folks who have come to me via my foundation have informed me of this. trust me.

It was nice to see the kids get what they are entitled to. It’s time people realize that today’s kids are our future. They should be handled with Care